i failed my son...

sejak mula menyusukan zaffran dr lahir sehingga ke usianya 20bulan 3 mgu kini, hari ini kali pertama aku menangis dengan penuh emosi kerana merasakan aku sdh fail sebagai seorang ibu....


sejak sehari dua ini, ebm agak merudum..mgkin kerana stress atau penat dgn klinik, wad yang max dgn pt...mgkin juga sb time2 ni mmg ebm production agak menurun...wpun aku dah ambil fenugreek sbgi persediaan dr awal, tak bjaya juga...fenugreek pun dah tak jalan..imun dah kot....


so aku tpksa bekalkan fresh milk choc kotak pd zaffran sb dia mmg refuse utk mnum apa2 wrna putih..apatah lg susu formula..pg td aku bg susu full cream n choc pd pengasuhnya..suruh tgok mana yang dia nak mnum...
ambil dia td, pengasuh ckp dia tak nak mnum susu putih...bila mnum je, dia trus nangis n hnya mnum susu coklat...


kluar sj dr rmh pengasuh naik kereta, zaffran dah menangis...lama bru paham dia kata "Ibuuuu nak cucuuuu.nak cucuuu..." jalan jam depan msjd kubang kerian...mgkin org nak blik weekend atau lari dr ksibukan JOM HEBOH esok lusa .....sepnjng jalan dalam jam zaffran menangis smbil sbut nak susu....smbil merangkak2 kete bergerak, aku tnjukkan botol susu dia yang dah ksong...dia ambil botol smbil nangis tersedu sedan n tnjuk botol dan pusing2kanbotol sbgi tnda  bila dia nak tnjuk bnda dah abis.."ibu...nak cuuucuuu..abissss ...cucuuuu tadakkkk..ibuuuuu nak cucuuuu..cucuuuu abissss.." tnpa henti dia dia kata...
aku dalam hati dah sebak...bila pk pengasuh dia kata, bila mnum susu fresh milk putih, dia rasa lain, trus dia nangis pgil2 "ibuuuuuuu...''ibuuuuu..." smpi pengasuh dia bg ebm yang hnya dua oz berbaki aku tggalkan...


teringat je tuh buat aku makin  tak dpt stop air mata dari meleleh2 esp  bila tgok anak menangis nangis sebb lapar nak susu n  tak puas nak susu ibu......aku tahan tak buka seatbelt car seat dia sb nnti dia nak bgun duduk atas riba dan mnyusu..mcamana aku nak drive balik...sepanjang jalan balik, ibu dan anak menangis...anak menangis nak susu ibu...ibu menangis sebab sebak rs fail sb tak mampu provide susu yang cukup utk anak mnum dan sbkan anak kelaparan ....


this makes me think twice nak wean in 3 more months....huhu...petang yang penuh emo....

bertambah2 lagi gatal tgn n crazy

remember the last post bout me gatal tangan nak beli buku???well, still itchy..today my c's made it itchier by telling me bout this bookstore that sell cheap First hand book..YES!!! I repeat, CHEAP FIRST HAND BOOK!!..all of the book is in good condition n cheap.. I mean, usually a James Patterson book is around RM34, it just around RM 19..so cheap loooo.... she gave me the link n makes me even crazier and more crazier bout that store and the books......my eyes keep rolling counting how many books I can get with that price of the book....LOL.. 8-) 


BUT the bad side is, its in KL maaaa....sighh...how I wish Im staying in KL...not in KB..sob sob...


but at least I found in their facebook, that they will also do online ordering n shopping in April....soooo I guess no more shopping in MPH online cos I found a cheper store..hhehe..lucky me...
ok la juga as my MPH card dah nak xpired this April 


so check this  
web http://www.bookxcess.com  or http://bookxcessblog.com/ u guys..maybe those in KL n surroundings will be able to go there n shop for more books....Lucky u....


PS: there goes my budgeting for my new house.hahaha...hmmmmm..takpela...slagi blum kena byr rmh boleh la bli buku..dah byr rumah, pnjam library n paw dr library bertam aja...hahahaha

gatal tangan..

aku nakkkk buku niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..takde org nk bg free???hahaha

aku sudah dua tiga hari mula terasa gatall...gatal bkn sebarang gatal..ttpi gatal nak mmbli buku...tak kisah la secara online smada secondhand atau pun 1st hand...ataupun di kdi buku...aku, msuk kdi buku mcm masuk kdi kasut...berjam2 duduk pun takpe..rs nak belek smua satu persatu...


bru ni baru saja abis membeli buku2 dr mph...dan bila mana buku2 mula habis di baca, ditambah melihat sana sini iklan2 pesta buku yang aku sekian tahun tak dpt lagi pergi sejak  duduk di kelantan ini, membuatkan aku trasa lagi gatal nak bli buku..huhuhu... kwn2 di ofis sllu tak paham mcmana aku boleh memaxsimumkan had cukai buku aku setahun shingga ke rm1k ataupun lbih dengan hanya membeli buku..apatah lagi bila aku sering ke library usm meminjam buku....pd mereka seribu ringgit sethun banyak utk mebeli buku..pd aku..sikit cuma...sbnya kerana buku, aku sggup menghabiskan duit.....agaknye kalo buku boleh ditukar dengan emas, sdah berderet gelang emas di tangan kaki leher ku..mgkin sdh aku bongkok sparuh kerana terlalu berat dgn emas....tp pd aku buku adalah ilmu...buku adalah kehidupan..dengan buku aku menimba ilmu..dengan buku aku menimba kehidupan....maka, tak kisah la kalau buku tu tak dpt ditukar gnti dengan emas ataupun duit atau nilaimnya makin menurun..kerana aku puas dpt membaca buku....


mgkin satu hari nnti impian aku utk mbuka book cafe akan tlaksana dan buku2 tadi akan membawa untg utk aku???mudah2an....


owh tgnku sangat gataaal nak beli bukuuu.....xde org nak bg buku free atau voucer buku free??

sapa la yang tibai niiiii

sadis tengok pagi tadi...


sapa la yang tibai daun pokok kari aku smpi mcm ni skali....tak tggal lgsg seurat utk tuan empunya pokok...


mggu lps tgok ada juga yang anak2 daun sikit baru nak besar slps dah didogolkan oleh tah siapa...


ari ni tgok terus gondol....


tak merasa la aku nak buat kari guna daun kari aku...


sob sob sob...


PS :dahla tak bgtau skit habuk pun nak mnta daun kari yang dduk btul bwh porch aku tuh...huhu..main tibai jaaa...


tetiba trasa nak nyanyi lagu " who took the cookie from the cookies jar...." instead Im gonna sing...."who took my daun kari from the  curry tree??" hahaha

clever boyyy

zaffran was asked by one aunty yesterday . " zaffran, zaffran nak adik tak?"

and he said with confidence, " OCHE!!! (for tokse or no)" smbil geleng kepala tnjuk dia memang tak nak...


hihih...clever boy....

anugerah di pagi hari...

pejam mata saja di awal pagi, terdengar titisan air jatuh ke atas bumbung rumah....


"Hujan!!!" dalam hati aku berkata...


dan seketika kemudian....BRUMMMM....kedengaran hujan turun dengan lebatnya...


"Alhamdulillah...Maha suci Engkau Ya Allah....terima kasih kerana menurunkan hujan....." bisik aku dalam kegelapan....


aku trus bangun membersihkan diri dan menunaikan solat Subuh dan membuat sujud syukur atas nikmat pagi hari ni...


Cuaca yang sangat panas kebelakangan ini, membuatkan aku dan zaffran slps makan malam, trus naik berkurung di dalam bilik dengan penghawa dingin di pasang...kulit kami yang agak "lokek" ikut slang kelantan, kerap benar menjadi gatal2 dan naik bintik2 merah exzema esp di msim2 panas ini...kulit zaffran yang dulu licin, kini kasar spt butiran pasir halus akibat ruam..... kini, dia sdh mula menunjukkan gatal2 di bawah pelipat kaki dan tgn spt aku..siann anak ibu gatal2..yang jd mgsa ibuuu juga nak kena garu kalo takmau zaffran mengamuk..."taaaa taiiiii...taaaataiiiii" huhu...


Hujan yang trun dr pagi td lagi, menyejukkan suasana..even di wad, aircond yang slama beberapa hari ni, tidak terasa dek kepanasan cuaca, terasa ckup nyaman dan dingin...kanak2 di wad juga hari ini, lbih tenteram berbanding semalam dan kelmarin yang asyik meragam dan mengamuk kerana kepanasan....pt2 di wad Gynae juga, kebanyakannya menyambung lena, mengambil kesempatan berehat di kala cuaca yang sejuk dan membuatkan trasa bagai ingin berguling di bawah selimut sahaja....alangkah seronoknya kalau aku juga dpt turut sama tidur seperti mereka..tetapi pesakit sudah ada   di klinik menanti khidmat aku...


Betapa hujan Rahmat  ini sgt dirindui dan dinanti2 oleh semua insan dan mahkluk Allah yang lain...
semalam, hujan turun seketika..tidak sampai 3 minit...tetapi reaksi orang orang yang sedang berlegar di kawasan HUSM semuanya memandang ke langit smbil menyebut.." Hujan..Hujan...hujan turun.." sehingga dr kawasan ofis ke atas wad, semuanya sedang memeprkatakan tentang hujan yang trun hanya sebentar...
namun, tidak ada seorang pun yang aku dengar mengucapkan..."Alhamdulillah...hujan trun" sambil lantas membacakan doa turun hujan..." allahumma sayyiban naafia'an..." doa yang pendek, yang diajar oleh Cikgu Sarilah semasa di Sraaz dulu, yang masih kuat tersemat dalam kotak ingatanku...aku cuba bersangka baik dengan mengatakan "mungkin mereka baca doa dalam hati.."  mudah mudahan begitulah...


 ~ manusia mudah lupa untuk mensyukuri nikmat yang tuhan berikan wpun sebentar cuma...~

my big boy...

Zaffran is already 20mths...gonna be 2 in  another 4 months till I planned to wean him...but still  wondering whether to cont him til 3 years on BF like Jen, my Dutch lady fren sales rep..

he already knows a lot nowadays...

he knows that when we are getting ready to go out, Ibu has to wear her tudung, hence this pix of him taking my "serkup kepala' and tudung n brought it upastairs to me...But when I am slow to get it as Ibu has to wear powder etc, he wore it and started to wear the tudung also....hihih

he likes to help and imitate Abah vacuuming the house plus the so called noise from the vacuum....he will go under the table, on top of the window, Tv etc..just like what abah did...

he loves to help put his soil clothes by himself into the washing machine...and if he saw any clotehs on the floor, he will put it in the washing machine...

he wanted to carry his soil cloth basket by himself...

he wanted to wear his legging by himself and always find his leggings first and insist to wear if ibu malas nak pakaikan sblum kluar rmh main ptg2...hehehe

and he lovessssss playing with Ibu's purse and took out all the money and gives it to other people saying "tih tih" for pitih in klantan slang....

he loves biking in the evening with abah by insisting riding the Yamaha bike rather than the classic ex5..

he knows that when we opened the sejadah, he has to find abah kopiah and prepared to angkat takbir by saying awahhh barrr...and then mumbling which is interpret as him reading Al fatihah...when I opened the quran, he will come to me and sit on my lap and pretend reading the quran....hhuhu

and my son also has been speaking in some kelantanese slang like..."Abe.."  ".tih for pitih..." " oche for tokse"..huhu...must be picked up in the nursery as both of us do not speak kelantan as we always speaks Utagha in the house even if my husband is a Kelantanese...huhu...

so much for my big yet so little boy...how time flies....sob sob sob

mencari batu bata lubang angin

Bila nak buat rumah ni...banyak la bnda yang pkir...yang utama mesti la nak rmh cantikkan..


n kemudian msti la nak yang selesa..ataupun ptut selesa dulu bru cantik??tapi org pompuan ni, mstila nak cntik dulu...kan kan kan...


maka nak selesa, maka kami kena la mencari batu bata yang ada lubang yang akan berfungsi sebagai ventilation yang bagus scara semulajadi...yang juga cantikkkkk...


nasib juga la kami ni dok di kelantan...banyak tmpt yang buat2 bnda2 gini dgn harga yang murah.....


maka dr mggu lepas kami berjalan satu Kota Bharu mencari batu bata ini utk diletakkan di rmh... dan zulffi juga amik cuti khas utk ronda ngan motor Yamaha nya itu utk mencari batu bata...smpi burn cik abg ku..siannn dia....

Maka yang di dapati adalah....INI

DAN INIII....

dan INI....

DAN INIIIIIIIIIII....

.

Tapi kami tak berkenan sgt sb common jumpa and bnyak kedai yang jual batu bata ni...maka setelah rondah ronda lagi..maka kami juga la juga yang berkenan di hati..yang macam INI..

wpun hrganya mahal sebiji 4Rial, double dr batu bata yang lain tuh...tapi puas hatiii maaaaaaaaaaa......


tak sabar nak tggu naik atas rumah...ihihii

post braces

it feels weird to be without the metal brackets in my mouth. but it feels great....
I dont seem to have this gum bleeding anymore, brushing teeth is more easier, eating is  much much more heavenly without having fds stick to my bracket and had to brush each time after meals....
but I still need to wear the transparent retainer which is AWESOMEEE...it just looks like Im not wearing anyhing at all..and it shows my new pretty teeth..hahahaha


 Zaffran has been looking at me weirdly each time he's breastfeeding with me..he probe my mouth feeling n looking for the colorful rubber band and metals..hahaha


and the most heavenly bout this thing is, Zulffi said he's falling in love over and over again with me...hahahah..
he's sooooo not use to see me without braces....well, he fall for the girl with crooked teeth, and then again when we met again after a few years, I have been in braces....n married and have  a child with braces...and now I am free of it....and he for sure are not used to see this new me..hahah...


it feels good to be looked by your husband over and over and been complimented by him...


well, it sure worth the 5 years to have him as happy as this..hahahaha

after 5 yearsssss...

after 5 years and 3 months...since Dec 04 to Mac 10 or to be exact 8th March 10,

NO MORE THIS

AND THIS

AND ESPECIALLY THIS...

FOR I WAS THIS

AND NOW I AM THIS...

YEAYYYYY!!!!!

it sure feels weird in the mouth after 5 years of having sumntg..

BUT it sure FEELS GOODDDD!!!!!

AND, its a great birthday pressi for meeee..the bestttt evaaaaaa..........

a year older n a year wiser InSyAllah..

6 march was my besday...the day that i turn a year older and more nearer to the end of my journey as Khalifah Allah...I could not predict when my ajal would come for me, but I could try to prepare for the time..InsyAllah...


                                     

                                                 6 march 2009                                                       

                

                                                                
                                             6 march 2010

last year, on my birthday, we went bck to penang as I was having a holiday for  a week, so I had the chance to spent my birthday at home...I cant recall when was the last time I spent my birthday at home..over the past years since  I married I had always spent my birthday at work, either in a meeting or student presentation..blourghhh....but last year I was a able to spent in Bertam, n yesterday, at home..
done nothing special...just lazing around, reading books, having my own sweet time...Zulffi kindly take care of zaffran.settled all thre housechores, giving me sumtime for myself...he bought breakfast, cooked a simple lunch for us ( udang goreng kunyit and sup sayur bayam )hihih..n treat me to outside dinner in the evening..Tq sayang...


being another year older just makes me count my blessings...i have a great husband, a great man indeed, a cute boy, a swell family n in laws... a great life, good job (most of the times), good frens n collegues...n a great home in the making...and all thanks to Allah for all the blessings in life...


last year zaffran on my birthday still cannot walk.still crawling here n there..but today, he can talk, running here n there..active n healthy...and hopefully our little family would be bless more by Allah in the near fture...im praying that this year onwards will be another good year for me, with zulffi nearly finished his mission...hopefully all gonna be a safe n smooth journey.InsyAllah...

carelessness that cause me lots..

i have always been a careless person...i usually forget to switch off the iron, if i cooked sumtg n left it to boiled, I i will forget bout it n then cos the pot to to be burnt..I usually misplaced my things, my keys...if I do somnething, I never double check it...


But the most important things like documents, I never take for granted as my dad had instilled in me, the most important things such as documents, bank books etc, U have to put it in one place so its easy for u to find it in emergency or need.. so since I started working, I put all my certs, birth cert, even my marriage cert I put it in a file..I still have all those pay slips since I started working and all the letter from since Im working in UKM that I save for usage later...even all my past license renewal that already expired, I still have...


being married To Zulffi who is a VERY CAREFUL, TEDIOUS, PARTICULAR about things person makes my carelessness lessen as I had to ensure that double check every thing I do as he doesn't like the outcomes of carelessness..If I take something of him, I have to makesure that I put it where its taken..If I didnt switch off the iron, he will start another lecture on safety, wasting etc..So in a good way, it does makes me a better person..Thank u Allah for pairing me up with him...


since Monday, I have been having this itch to clean up n tidy up...so yesterday morning, I received a check and I was tidying up my desk.throwing away old unrelevant papers, old bills, etc...and I was quite a zombie most of the time this past few weeks as I had to replaced my colleague who's on maternity leaves, with 4 days a week clinic,4 of her wards and 4 of my own...I was often tired n out of my usual attentive trait..a zombie sometimes or kind of a robot..functioning to the minimal..esp during counselling pt..as a dietitian, what's tiring is ..talking  a lot..sumtimes 5 pt wth the same problems...huhu


later on that evening, I had a stdnt presentation..when I found that my check was not in my bag..I rushed back to my office and couldnt found it...I was rummaging tru my desk, my file...nada..zero...n I remembered the papers that I thrown away..the cleaner already collected it not more than 30minutes ago..I called the cleaner, but they have thrown it away to this guy who always waiting everyday for the rubbish, and he already goes...so, there goes my check worth lots with the rubbish...


all this while, this is the biggest mistakes I did....when I told zulffi, he, being the meticulous person said, " If u are throwing away rubbish or papers, make sure u double or triple check that u didnt thrown away the important things...make 2 piles of papers, the one u wanna keep, the one wanna throw...always double check....never take for granted of things..always double check..." hmm....tru tru...


yerp..my carelessness cost me lots...sob sob sob....


PS; feels like kicking my own chin for my stupidity and carelessness..

missing this boy at this age

cptnyer dia besarrrr..sob sob

   

wishes for a 24th birthday...

Dearest Darling Raihan,


Happy 24th besday dear..


May Allah shower upon u blessings n rahmah thruout ur journey of life in this world..
May He guides u on the correct path and protects u from straying away from the path that leads to Jannah...
May Allah  continue to give u courage and keeps ur spirit high to finish ur 5years journey in the land of the Irish...
May He continues to bless u with Iman n Islam..
May Allah protects u from harm and evilness in the world..
May this year bring with it all the success and fulfillment your heart desires
May each and every passing year bring you wisdom, peace and cheer
May your days be filled with sunshine and beautiful colors. And may your nights be filled with comforting dreams and wishes to come.
May you continue to become better with each birthday.
May this year also bring forth inevitable joy, happiness and favor your way


HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR!!!




Ps: hajat dihati nak buat post 24 wishes for a 24th birthday..tapi disbbkan kn jg klinik n studnt attachmen takdan nak pk bnyak2 ayat yang best2..so..10 pun kira ok la kot...hihi..


lotsaluv


KAKAK