Im lost

sometimes dlm khidupan sehari2, tipu la kalau kata, sy enjoy being a mom...
serius tipu kalau kata being a mom is all rainbow and sweet and sunshine bla bla bla...
sometimes, sy rs, stuck dlm keadaan sy...sy nak ke sana ke sini...sy nak pg shopping, sy nak pg berjalan, sy nak pg msjid...sy rs stuck bila sy tak boleh nak buat smua itu sb ada anak2 yang mgikat sy di rmh...
seriusly, kdg2 sy perlukan ms me time..utk sya membuat bnda2 utk diri sy...pg mgaji..baca novel...baca buku ilmiah, tgok tv...ataupun skdr take ms utk leisure mcm nak mndi lama2, nak enjoy mkn mknn yg sy msak pnt2...nak pg guntg rmbut dan cuci rmbut...segalanya spt tiada ms utk sya...


ms rehat juga sptnya tiada..bila ada ms tluang anak tido skjap, yg sorg lg msih blum tido, jd sy kn tggu..then sorg lg tido, sorg lg pulak bgun...ms nak rht mlm, slgi anak blum lena, sy harus berjaga...anak lena mlm, org lain lena, sy berjaga bila anak tidak sht, dan bila anak tjaga malam....


sy tahu, semua bnda ni semua wanita yg bergelar ibu msti rasa..but tak smua yang ugkpkan..smpn dlm atau most tak ckp scra tbuka di blog...most of the time, i take it positively..but kita pun msti ada up n down...takkan smua bnda sntiasa up shja...bila bckp pd org lain, sllu org kata.."takpe..sbr..besar pahalanyaa...jd ibu, jd istri...pahala disyurga.." .  ye sy tahu..sy paham...when sy ckp pd kwn sy yng blum bkhwin, dia kata , "at least u have kids utk buat smua tu. when i have non" hmmm..terdiam sbntr saya..yerp..btul...sy tahu..sy paham ..again...I am not saying that I hate being a mom...Im trying to share my feelings..to try to find ways how sy nak positifkan diri sy mjdi seorg ibu...how sy nk bhgikan ms sy utk diri sy dan anak2 dan suami dan keja rmh when I dont have an actual guide in that..sb bnd ni tak smua org brani nk say it out loud that I feel stuck being a mom....seriusly...one or two close frens je yg berani ckp bnda ni..itu pun mcm smbyi2 kan.....when sy rs bnda ni semua org rs kot...n i think semua org perlu share bnda ni so at least we learn from each other...sharing is caring kot..esp we as young mothers working, housekeeping etc...bnyak cbrnnnya...


i know, we can learn tru books but wat if nk pgg buku pun takdan...sumtimes, sy nak bw saja anak2 sy ke mjlis ilmu..atau ke msjd..sy igt sy kcil dulu abumi sy sntiasa usung sj sy dan adik2 ke msjd, ke usrah..sy igt berlari2 main di rmh Makcik Ani, ustaz sayuti di Kg pulau Nyioq mlm2..sy ingt umi dan mcik2 berada dlm halaqah ilmu..sy igt itu smua..but suami sy tak gmr sy bw kan anak2 ke msjd..katanya ganggu org nak solat..nnti org mrh..pd sy..biarla org nk mrh..msjd tu rmh dia kah?bkn rumah Allah kah?biarla sy nak terapkan cintakan msjd pd anak2 lelaki sy dpd kcil...ttpi sbb suami tidak suka, sy diamkan....sy tak sbr nak anak sy besar skit..at least zariff dua tahun.so sy bleh bw anak2 sy ke msjd...kdg2 sy spt mahu balik ke Bertam shja..at least msjd nya slmt..tak tggi dan tak bhya spt kbnyakn msjd yang tak child friendly...msjd tggi2.tmpt org prempuan di tgkat atas...jd anak2 berlari2 main d tgga..kan bhya....kenapa bkn org llki yang ddk di atas dan biar org prmpuan di bwh?


Im drowning...yes iim drowning in my misery....past week I thought I was prgnt..yep..its a false alarm...thank God.. I was in a deep stress..I know I couldnt cope with another kid when the LO have my hands full...I dont know what to do if I got another kid on the way...if given my way, 2 is enough for me...
having kids is not just carrying them, born and them feed them etc..I have done that..I have tried to give the best..I bfeed them, give them food, clothes, books etc .but the emotional support, the parenting is the one that I am lost...seriusly...I am lost....I am searching here and there on how to be divide my time for my kids n myself n not to forget my dear husbd...owh..and the house...owh I detest house work...If I have the money to spend, I would just hire a lady to come and clean my house....all I have to worry everyday when I came back home is just play wth my kids, read them books, make crafts etc... each day, i want to take my sons playing outside...shari dah terperuk dlm nurseri..sian anak sy...but then i have to pk nk msk makan etc..
how I dream of that...evry sigle day..esp the night before weeknd, I vow, I will make arts with zaffran tomorow, play more with him...read him more books..and then come tomorrow, i see the house in a mess, the clothes is piling up...the dishes, bottles need to sterile..and not to forget, need to pump to make stock...oh dear God..then all the dreams n plans I had gone when I look at the clock, its already 1pm...need to cook, bla bla bla..then I am already tired n ready to snap at my dear son for throwing tantrum...Oh my..wat a bad mom I am...and it makes me slump more into my misery...guilt, tiredness, sad all blend into one...owh...my dear husbd do helps with the chores..but still...


I am worried of how my kid would turn into in the future...I need to change..i need to find a solutions to my probs before its too late as I see how my son has turn into me in sumway..and I hate that....seriusly...i need to change...I hope, after this 2 weeks, I would have more free times...at least for me... for myself...and I am looking forward to wean off zariff at 2 years..yeah yeah..i know its good for the kid to be breastfed  more than 2 yrs but this is my decisions...i need it.. at least I have breastfeed him til 2years old...i need to do things for myself too...please..please... do not judge...well, its my blog..haha...my life..
 pheww..suddnly rs sdkit release....but still lots to do...please pray for me..to be a better muslim n better mum n wife....need it badly...